how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
