she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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