I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
