I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
