dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
