Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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