If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
