My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
