I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
