Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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