I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
