So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize
