I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
