i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
