porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
