I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
