from now on my penis is your penis
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
