put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
