I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
