I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
