i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
