I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
