I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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