Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
