Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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