if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize