I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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