I am puke
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
this is an emotional support booty call
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize
