You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
