I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
