wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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