seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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