why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize