I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
