Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
