Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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