you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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