You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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