I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
