I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
