im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
