I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
