I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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