She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
