His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
