all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
