Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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