I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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