Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
