I feel like abortions should bother me more
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
