I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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