Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
