Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize