how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
