My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
