broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
