i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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